When your child says 'I don't like my body,' how do you respond? A new guide prepares parents

By Louise Kinross

It's hard to feel good about your body when the media images we see create an impossible beauty standard. So when you become a parent, how do you nurture a positive body image in your child? Having Body-Positive Conversations with Children is a new guide developed at Holland Bloorview to help parents feel better prepared to talk to their child about body image and weight. "Essentially we're trying to promote an appreciation for body diversity," says Amy McPherson, a senior scientist at Holland Bloorview who led the project. Amy's research looks at health promotion in children with disabilities. We talked about the new guide, which includes tips on when and how to talk about bodies; exercises to prepare; how to respond to weight-related teasing; and how to talk about your own body, so that you don't reinforce negative stereotypes.

BLOOM: Why was there a need for this book?

Amy McPherson: That's a good question. Kids often have comments and questions and things they're not sure about when it comes to their bodies. Certainly in the world today we see—on social media and in society—depictions of what is a so-called 'good' body shape or size, and those that aren't. We know parents can feel less confident talking about this topic, and we wanted to create something that would help parents feel more prepared, with accurate information, if the child brought the topic up.

BLOOM: Is the guide for kids with and without disabilities? 

Amy McPherson: Yes. There are no resources out there for parents of kids with disabilities on this topic, so we felt strongly that we wanted to make something that was inclusive, and make it applicable to kids with and without disabilities.

BLOOM: What is body positivity?

Amy McPherson: Body positivity is an appreciation of all body types. Essentially we're trying to promote body diversity, which is knowing and accepting that people have different body shapes and sizes and abilities, and that difference contributes to the richness of our society. 

BLOOM: What are some of the most common myths about weight and health?

Amy McPherson: I think the key one is that a larger body automatically signals poorer health—that if you have a larger body, that means there is something inherently wrong with your health.

BLOOM: What do we know about that from a scientific standpoint?

Amy McPherson: For years and years papers have linked body mass index to a range of chronic conditions such as heart problems, lung problems, and other conditions people can die from. However, focusing solely on weight as an indicator of health is unhelpful when we know that eating well, being active and getting enough sleep also promote health, and can protect against chronic illnesses to a large extent. 

What is rarely taken into consideration in studies about body mass index is the experience of weight stigma. If you experience discrimination and teasing, then through a number of physiological and psychological pathways, that actually leads you to gain more weight. 

BLOOM: Is higher weight more common in children with disabilities?

Amy McPherson: The stats show they do often have higher weight for many different reasons. My thinking on this topic has shifted from 'We need to help them lose weight' to 'How can we help them live their best lives by incorporating healthy behaviours into their life in a way that is feasible for that family?'

BLOOM: Your guide offers words to use when talking to your child about weight. What are examples?

Amy McPherson: Rather than saying 'I've noticed you've put on weight and I think you should go on a diet,' focus on health. For example, 'Eating meals with different foods and being active will help your body grow and develop into the shape and size it's meant to be.' Instead of 'That food has too many calories,' recognize and praise healthy behaviours: 'Let's try a new fruit or vegetable this week.'

We don't want parents to dismiss concerns that kids come to them with. Sometimes when a child voices concerns about their body, parents say "You're fine, don't worry about it,' but that's not especially helpful. Try listening to what's bothering them, and ask questions. 'Did something happen to make you think this way? You can tell me anything you're worried about.'

BLOOM: What if another child made a comment—like 'You're fat.'

Amy McPherson: Affirm that it's great that they opened up to you. 'Thank you for talking to me about this. How do you feel about what they said?' Reassure them that using the word fat to hurt people is never okay. 'Fat actually helps our body to work. What would you say to a friend if they were in this situation?' Highlight amazing things our bodies do for us. How does your child's body help them to do their favourite activities? Focus on your child's unique qualities, other than appearance. 'I think you're kind. What do you think?' You're not ignoring weight-based teasing, but looking at the bigger picture.  

BLOOM: What words should parents avoid?

Amy McPherson: I think avoiding the word 'fat' is a good idea. There is a fat acceptance movement, where fat activists have embraced the word. But I've never heard it used that way in kids. Don't demonize food. Don't talk about how this is a 'good' food, and that is a 'bad' food, and link food and eating to qualities. It's very important for parents to model that as well.

BLOOM: That was my next question. How important is the way parents talk about their own weight and body?

Amy McPherson: It's huge. Kids are sponges and they absorb what they see and hear, especially if they see and hear it on a daily basis. Don't complain about your weight, or imply that if you have a high-calorie food, you have to punish your body with exercise: 'I just had a big slice of chocolate cake. I have to get to the gym and work it off.' Don't talk about other people's weight or calories or that your jeans are too tight.

BLOOM: Is the guide based on peer-reviewed articles about weight in children?

Amy McPherson: All of the messaging around parents talking about weight is supported by peer-reviewed articles. We also sent the guide to expert reviewers in three countries. One of the questions we asked them was 'Are the messages in this guide supported by research evidence so far as you know?'

BLOOM: Who else had input into the guide?

Amy McPherson: Three families whose kids had disabilities were involved. They worked really hard to make sure the messaging and the examples and tasks we give throughout the guide would be relatable to kids with disabilities.

BLOOM: There's a fabulous list of books, websites and other resources at the book. Is there one book you would recommend for school-aged children?

Amy McPherson: I think my favourite is Love Your Body by Jessica Sanders. It includes images of all sorts of bodies with different shapes, sizes, skin colours and abilities. It includes women with hairy legs and cellulite. While it only depicts female-identifying images, its message that all bodies are different and all bodies are good applies to everyone.