When parents need to practise letting go

By Louise Kinross

I want to share a funny story that I think parents of adult children with disabilities will appreciate. 

We leased a condo in June that our adult son Ben (above left) and his worker Senna (right) would live in. It’s about 10 minutes from our home. The idea was that Senna would live there full-time, as she needed a place, and we would try having Ben sleep there three nights a week, to start.

The transition went much better than expected, in part because I broke two bones in my wrist on the day he was to move in, so I wasn’t present. Ha ha! 

Ben has activities during the day. He is used to staying on his own for a couple of hours at night. But last night Senna was going to be out late, so he would be on his own for five or six hours.

The plan was that we would Facetime him during the evening to make sure he was all right. We Facetime because Ben doesn’t speak. He uses sign language. He can call us and we can call him.

Senna was confident that Ben could handle the evening, including taking a bath.

Everything was fine until my husband D’Arcy tried Facetiming Ben at about 8 p.m. and he didn’t pick up. An hour later, he still wasn’t picking up. 

Now, Ben enjoys very long baths, so we knew it was possible that he was simply soaking in the tub.

However, my brain began churning out unpleasant scenarios. Ben has some physical disabilities. Had he slipped and fallen? 

I convinced D’Arcy to drive over to make sure he was all right.

When he arrived, Ben was indeed in the bath. D’Arcy asked Ben if he’d like his dad to hang out in the condo for a while, and Ben signed no, he could go home.

So D’Arcy drove home and we laughed at what nervous nellies we were. Well, primarily me.

Later his worker texted to say Ben had Facetimed her at 11 to let her know he’d turned off the TV and was going to bed. When she arrived home, he was asleep. 

This was a surprise because in our house, Ben usually needs to be prompted to get off the computer or TV (more like dragged). 

Which made us think that being away from us was having very positive benefits for Ben. We felt proud of him. And D’Arcy noted that independence goes two ways, and we need to practise letting go. 

Ben and Senna agreed to the posting of this story.

Like this content? Sign up for our monthly BLOOM e-letter.